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  1. From April through October your favorite perfume is Deep Woods Off
  2. You can put together a winger in the dark, but you need the instruction book to switch blades on your food processor.
  3. Your "children" have pedigrees.
  4. Force fetching is not sending your husband to the grocery store.
  5. You have more copies of Cabala's catalogs than all your other magazines, total.
  6. When the wind chill is anything above zero, you consider the weather warm.
  7. A poison bird means something other than that fried chicken in the very back of the fridge.
  8. You are thrilled when your husband gives you briar chaps for an anniversary gift.
  9. Your wardrobe consists of casual camo (for training) and dress camo (for hunt tests).
  10. Your ultimate dream vacation is the Master National

    --by Brian Abrell's Bird Woman



Bet You Can't Own Just One!"

Why own a dog? There's a danger you know,
You can't own just one, for the craving will grow.
There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger.
While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger.
One dog is no trouble, and two are so funny.
The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey.
The fifth one delightful, the sixth one's a breeze,
You find you can live with a houseful with ease.
So how 'bout another? Would you really dare?
They're really quite easy but oh, Lord the hair!
With dogs on the sofa and dogs on the bed,
And crates in the kitchen, it's no bother you've said.
They're really no trouble, their manners are great.
What's just one more dog and just one more crate?
The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty,
The floor is all footprints, the furniture dusty.
The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care?
Who minds a few noseprints and a little more hair?
So let's keep a puppy, you can always find room,
And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom.
There's hardly a limit to the dogs you can add,
The thought of a cutback sure makes you sad.
Each one is so special, so useful, so funny.
The vet, the food bill grows larger, you owe money.
Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay,
Except other dog folks, who all live the same way.
Your lawn has now died, and your shrubs are dead too,
But your weekends are busy, you're off with your crew.
There's dog food and vitamins, training and shots.
And entries and travel and motels which cost lots.
Is it worth it, you wonder? Are you caught in a trap?
Then that favorite dog comes and climbs in your lap.
His look says you're special and you know that you will
Keep all of the critters in spite of the bill.
Some just for showing and some just to breed.
And some just for loving, they all fill a need.
But they must have their walks though they're numb and you're blue.
Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout
At the dogs on the sofa who refuse to go out.
The dogs and the dog shows, the travel, the thrills,
The work and the worry, the pressure, the bills.
The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are your life.
They're charming and funny and offset the strife.
Your life-style has changed. Things won't be the same.
Yes, those dogs are addictive and so is the dog game!!

-Author Unknown


Good Dog

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies." --Gene Hill

"In dog years I'm dead" -- Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx.

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch."-- Michael Friedman

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."-- Unknown

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."-- Joe Weinstein

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."--Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."--Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."-- Edward Abbey

"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."--Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."-- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" --Unknown

"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain

"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."-- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."-- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."--John Steinbeck



  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  • When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
  • When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
  • Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
  • Take naps and stretch before rising.
  • Run, romp and play daily.
  • Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
  • Be loyal.
  • Never pretend to be something you're not.
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
  • Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
  • When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  • No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout; run right back and make friends.
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

From Internet: Helen Jensen



  • If I like it, it's mine.
  • If it's in my mouth, it' mine.
  • If I can take it from you, it's mine.
  • If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
  • If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  • If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
  • If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
  • If I saw it first, it's mine.
  • If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.



  • If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
  • Don't go out without ID.
  • Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
  • Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
  • Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
  • Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
  • When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
  • If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.



  • Both take up too much space on the bed.
  • Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
  • Both mark their territory.
  • Neither tells you what's bothering them.
  • The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
  • Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
  • Neither does any dishes.
  • Both fart shamelessly.
  • Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
  • Both like dominance games.
  • Both are suspicious of the postman.
  • Neither understands what you see in cats.



  • Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  • Dogs miss you when you're gone.
  • Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
  • Dogs admit when they're jealous.
  • Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh At how you throw.)
  • You can train a dog.
  • Dogs are easy to buy for.
  • The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you get to kill the one that gives it to you).
  • Dogs understand what "no" means.
  • Dogs mean it when they kiss you.



  1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
  1. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
  1. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
  1. A dog never expects you to telephone.
  1. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
  1. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
  1. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
  1. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
  1. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
  1. A dog does not shop.


He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."




February 6, 1989 - July 26, 1999

When Rip arrived at our home at seven weeks of age, we planned on him being special. In terms of his pedigree, he had "blue blood". He was a retriever field trial champion waiting to happen. His life, however, took a different turn but was special none the less.

At about two years of age, he was a large, handsome, clownish, people-loving lab with the heart and playfulness of a puppy; characteristics he would never outgrow. A serious life-threatening illness almost took him from us about that age. He spent three months at The Ohio State Veterinary Hospital surviving a "twisted stomach" and more complications than can be imagined. With each complication, his chances of survival were minimal. Eventually the staff stopped quoting the odds because he beat them every time. Our joy at having a healthy dog again was often qualified by reflection on the circumstances that contributed to his survival. Many times we discussed how it almost seemed there was a "plan" or "it was meant to be". The doctors had even expressed that he had a "will to live" they had never seen before.

Rip returned home and after a few more months of recuperation, he continued his training. Within a year he had become "qualified all-age" in the field trial game. We thought that was pretty special for a dog who should not have been alive.

Some two years later, Rip again got sick. Our vet, Ann Ayer, who provided the initial care during his previous illness so he could survive the flight to Ohio State, was called on again to save his life. After extensive testing, we could find no reason for his latest illness. He was dying and we didn't know why. Ann decided that exploratory surgery might provide the answer and it did. Two days later, Rip returned home with a belly-full of bright pink stitches and moved into the house to recuperate.

At this point we realized that Rip was not going to be the field champion we had planned. We decided to retire him from the retrieving game. He'd made his mark on the world in other ways and was now in the house to stay. We had our happy, bouncy, "puppy" again and that's all that mattered.

The next years were full of Rip incidences and stories. He was cheerful, entertaining and glad to be wherever there were people to greet. He was sure they had come just to see him. Even at ten years of age, he would occasionally chew up a shoe, get in the garbage, and play with our puppy. They'd sometimes get so rambunctious we'd have to scold and settle them down. Some white hairs were showing on his muzzle and toes, but he appeared not to age.

We lost Rip about six months after his tenth birthday and that's when the final plan for his life on this earth presented itself.

It was a hot summer day and I took Rip to the outside kennel to stay while I went to work. My husband, John, was away on an extended dog training trip in the northeast. When I returned home, Rip, who was fine that morning, was dead.

Being alone, except for Madeline, another retired twelve year-old lab, and a little black cat, which Rip loved, I immediately fell apart over the loss of our beloved Rip and called our vet. Ann told me she would come soon. I called John to share the news, then cried over how I was going to bury Rip. We had a spot selected as a resting place for our dogs, but with the heat and dry ground, I knew it would be difficult for most and impossible for me to dig a grave for a large, eighty-pound dog.

As promised, Dr. Ayer and her husband, Robbie arrived. They had tools in hand to dig Rip's grave. This certainly was beyond the call of duty. I knew there was no way I could ever repay them for helping.

When we went to the kennel to remove his body, we found the cat resting near his head. Ann told me that Kitty understood what had happened. She told me we also needed to let Madeline see Rip so she too would understand that Rip was gone. I brought Maddie from the house on a leash and we headed across the field. She began dragging me so I let her go. She ran right to where his body was laying on the ground, sniffed him all over and licked his face. It was her moment of closure.

Our friend and Rip's other "momma", Beverly, had arrived. I took her hand; we said our good-byes and put Rip in the ground. Robbie and Ann hugged me and left.

Except for some time for grieving, I knew I'd gradually become used to Rip not being here. At the moment, however, it all seemed so empty. I tried to concentrate on how I could express my gratitude to Ann and Robbie for taking such care of us all. I needn't have worried. Rip found a way. Later that evening, Ann called me and said, "There's an end to Rip's story that I want you to know."

Ann, Robbie and their two children live in the same structure that houses the veterinary clinic. Not long after Ann and Robbie left my home that evening, the children called their mobile phone to tell them there was an electrical fire under the kitchen sink. Wiring to the dishwasher had shorted. Robbie told them how to shut off the breakers and they sped home. Except for some smoke, there was minimal damage. They certainly had had a busy evening, but not the one they had planned.

Ann and Robbie don't routinely provide burial service for clients but the circumstances that evening led them to help and put plans for a family outing on hold. If John had been home we'd have taken care of Rip's burial ourselves and the Ayer's family outing would have taken place. The fire would have started with no one there. Their home and the clinic would all have been lost. Just as we believed those years ago, that Rip's survival was meant to be, it seems there was a plan for his dying as well. It was "meant to be" and that brings comfort to us all.

Thank you "Ripper". We will always love you.

--Marie Bassett



1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.

2. Yelling at me for barking...I AM A DOG!!

3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?!!

4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose..........stop it.

6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.

8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello...have you noticed the fur?

10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

11. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.



  • are a special breed not usually recognized by the CKC/AKC/UKC.

  • usually have crates in their living rooms.

  • keep messy houses, but their kennels are spotless.

  • can always find a premium list within an arm's reach.

  • have kids who know more about the birds and bees when they are five than most people know at 40.

  • will drive 400 miles, spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel room and $150 on meals to bring home a 25 cent orange  ribbon.

  • drive trucks, vans, and motor homes equipped to haul horse trailers.

  • can never be reached on weekends, unless you happen to be at the same hunt test.

  • will give up a $150,000 home in the suburbs to move to a shack on 10 acres so they can have a $150,000 dog kennel.

  • have children who grow up believing "Bitch" is just another household word.

  • have lush green yards and never buy fertilizer.

  • pay the mortgage ten days late but NEVER miss a closing date for entries.

  • would rather be audited by the IRS than investigated by the AKC.

  • use dog food bags for trash and trash cans for dog food.

  • talk on the phone for hours to another dog person in a language known only to dog people.

  • have parents and family who think they've lost their minds, neighbors who think they're strange and doggy friends who think they're terrific.

 "We need to admit, dog people are ALL strange—anyone who spends more time [much more] with dogs than with people is  dysfunctional [at least] to everyone else!"

—Slightly edited from HR List




Comes with matching camo shirt, pants, and hat, Gore-Tex boots, hip waders, Gore-Tex rain suit; lanyard with whistle, duck call, and goose call, 12 gauge shotgun, starter pistol, hunting license, habitat stamp, bug spray, 12 black and white retrieving bumpers, 6 orange retrieving bumpers, orange blind stake; one each dead duck, chukkar, pigeon and pheasant; canvas holding blind, set of 2 walkie-talkies, bucket with swivel seat, 3 bird launchers with remote release electronics, set of 12 duck decoys; and a custom pickup truck with dog crates and storage drawers. 

Barbie comes with her own Golden Retriever "GRHRCH UH Hunt'em Up MH WCX".  "Gunner" is available in 3 color options (light gold, medium gold and dark gold), and either straight or wavy coat (curls by custom order only). "Gunner" comes with a remote electronic collar, grooming brushes, qualifying rosettes in assorted colors, Frontline Plus, Interceptor, and a first aid kit. 

There is no Ken included in this collection, as Hunt Test Barbie is perfectly capable of hauling around her own equipment, and Ken is totally intimidated by this redneck Barbie that drives a pickup and has a shotgun.


Comes with TWO cases of Miss Clairol hair color (to color her own gray hair), a monogrammed strait jacket, a leather-bound copy of Robert's Rules of Order, and a gold-plated gavel.  The gavel unscrews at the end and is secretly a .357 magnum that can be used to keep unruly club members under control, or just get rid of them altogether.

Four-wheel-drive sport utility vehicles and minivans complete with dog crates are sold separately.

Unknown author, from Internet

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Revised: February 15, 2019.